30 Day Writing Challenge – Day 19

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Discuss your first love.

I’m absolutely, positively uncomfortable talking about my love life because well frankly, it doesn’t exist. I don’t know what love feels like. I’ve felt…infatuation before. It’s this brief period of bliss, but for some reason, it doesn’t last. I can pretend, but why should I have to pretend? I’ve felt the pressure time and time again to fall in love. I’m getting older. I’ll be 21 soon. I’ve seen people have my age find more meaningful relationships. By time someone gets to be 20, they’re supposed to have had a few broken hearts. They should have jumped around from person to person and found out what they want in a man. For that reason, I feel as if I’m not living my life right.

I grew up an ugly duckling. Pudgy, bespectacled, awkward… I stayed that way all the way up into high school. I never turned heads of any sort. I never cared well…until my little sister (who was 3 years younger than me) did. Despite being a major tomboy who shaved off most of her hair at one point, she still gathered male attention. I thought I had done everything right. I was feminine, quiet, tried to be kind… But still I didn’t look like other girls. Even when puberty hit, I still had short hair. I dressed modestly. I valued my studies more than my social life. My mom said I just intimidated guys. So I pretended I wasn’t smart. I hid my test grades in glass. I pretended not to know answers. You know what? It still didn’t work.

I have dated a few times, but I’m really not too comfortable discussing them in-depth. I will say that in my desperate attempt to find my first love, I lost myself a bit. Since realizing this, I’ve reverted back to my original self: bespectacled, awkward, and scholarly. When love comes, it comes. I’m sure it will feel wonderful when it does come around.

Until then, my first “love” must be my education. It’s always been first in my life. My studies almost always come before my social life or anything else. Maybe that’s why I’m intimidating?

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