30 Day Writing Challenge – Day 8

Standard

Share something you struggle with.

Believe it or not, I struggle with a lot. (Weird, huh, that a human would struggle?) I struggle with my faith. I struggle with school. I struggle with keeping a positive outlook on the world. However, I believe all my struggles tend to trace back to one single thing which seeks to ruin my life.

Perfectionism.

Maybe you’re laughing right now. I honestly never thought about it as an issue until my Advanced Composition professor told me to write an issues essay. My first one was terrible. (I wrote about uniform policies and my bad experience with them.) I’ve always struggled to find issues that I’m beyond passionate about. However, my second essay ended up receiving the highest grade I received in that class, and it was about how perfectionism had become an issue in my life.

I could copy and paste that essay here, but I don’t see the need to. It all comes down to this: I will never be completely content with anything I do. I cannot look back at a single thing I’ve done and say, “Wow. I’m proud of that.” I remember every terrible moment of everything over the good. I do recall a student recital I had to sing at. That semester, my voice teacher gave me a huge confidence boost. I started singing jazz. I was good at it too. I had always thought I was just a terrible soprano. It turned out I was actually a half-decent alto. I sang probably the best I had ever sung at that recital. One of my friends walked up to me and asked me if I would marry him. (Of course he was joking.) I smiled all the way back to my dorm and into the bathroom where I turned on the shower and collapsed. I had been shaking so badly during the performance that I could only think about how badly my voice had trembled. I didn’t cry that time, but I felt the anxiety wanting to crush me.

I recently got a test back in my language class. We’re learning the honorific language called “keigo,” and I’m struggling with it a little. I did well on my test. I got a 93.9 if you must know. That’s an A. I should be content with that, but I still felt this nagging at the back of my mind.

“You know you could have studied for that more. I mean, other people did better than you. Clearly something isn’t clicking with you.”

I’ve been like this all my life. I would cry after every piano recital. I’d never show anyone my writing because it was never up to par with my expectations. I could never remember a compliment. I’m getting better with it though. Do I still cry when I mess up? Sometimes. But college has helped build my confidence a great deal. I’m looking forward to the day when I am proud of something I do. I know I will have worked hard for it.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s